The Three-Year-Old Crisis: How to Understand and Overcome It

The three-year-old crisis is not just a “difficult age”. It’s a crucial stage in child development when your child starts to feel their own identity. If you notice your three-year-old being stubborn, capricious, constantly saying “no”, or demanding independence—welcome to the classic three-year-old crisis.

Why does the three-year-old crisis happen? Main reasons

• Psychological autonomy — for the first time, your child strongly feels their individuality and wants to make their own decisions.
• Need for independence — the desire to do everything without adult help (“I do it myself!”).
• Testing boundaries — your child begins to “test” prohibitions and rules to understand how the world works.
• Intense emotions — a three-year-old’s brain cannot yet regulate strong feelings, leading to tantrums and protests.

How does the three-year-old crisis show itself?

In practice, it looks like this:

• Your child says “no” to almost any request.
• Shows stubbornness, even about small things.
• Insists on doing things alone: dressing, eating, choosing where to go.
• Tantrums and tears may appear unexpectedly (for example, at the store or playground).
• Tries to set their own rules and checks your reaction.

How should parents respond to the three-year-old crisis?

Here are my tested tips for parents that help build relationships and support your child through this period:

1. Acknowledge the importance of the crisis. This is not “bad behavior”, but a part of growing up. Understand that your child is not trying to upset you, but learning to be independent.
2. Give your child choices. For example: “Would you like to put on your jacket or your hat first?”—this helps your child feel significant.
3. Name your child’s feelings. Example: “I see you’re upset because we didn’t buy the toy. That’s really disappointing.”
4. Set clear and firm boundaries. Consistency and calmness from parents make a child feel safe.
5. Stay close during tantrums. Even if your child is crying, let them know: “I’m here. When you’re ready, I’ll hug you.”

Real-life examples

• Example 1. A three-year-old boy refuses to get dressed in the morning and has a tantrum. Mom tries, “Would you like to put on your jacket by yourself or have some help?”—the stubbornness eases and he agrees to help.
• Example 2. A girl throws herself on the floor at the store, demanding a toy. Instead of punishment, mom sits down next to her, acknowledges her feelings but doesn’t give in—the tantrum ends faster.
• Example 3. A child insists on brushing their teeth alone. Solution: let them squeeze the toothpaste and turn on the water, while the parent helps with brushing—less conflict.

Common mistakes parents make during the three-year-old crisis

• Shaming or scolding for emotions. Phrases like “Don’t scream like that!” only make the conflict worse.
• Ignoring feelings. “Don’t cry, don’t get angry”—your child needs their emotions to be recognized.
• Losing your temper and feeling guilty. It’s better to say: “I’m tired, I have tough days too,” and work together on solutions.
• Leaving your child alone with big feelings. At this age, children cannot handle strong emotions without support.
• Giving in after a tantrum. If you give in after crying, your child quickly learns to use it for manipulation.

Quick checklist for parents of 3-year-olds

• Speak calmly and confidently.
• Offer choices whenever possible.
• Put your child’s feelings into words.
• Be consistent with rules.
• Don’t be afraid to ask for help or take breaks.

Conclusion

The three-year-old crisis is a key step in growing up. It helps your child become more independent and confident. The main thing is to respect your child’s feelings, support their desire for independence, and remember that tough times pass. If you’re reading this article, you’re already a caring parent!